{[hey, jude]}

I'm horny.

I wish I could make love with someone special and share intimacy with someone and all that make-me-feel-good bullshit.

but the best I'm gonna get right now is sex...

(I may have a crushed and broken heart, but I'm a man, and a man got needs Ginger Cakes)

SO!

funny thing happened at work today.

an ex-regular-NSA-partner of mine, who I haven't seen or communicated with in months (intentionally), randomly came into my place of business. we chatted briefly, exchanged numbers, and I think I may call them.

Is this unhealthy or is this precisely what I need? When physical intimacy comes from emotional intimacy its magic (fireworks/rocket ships/shit like that), but dirty-dirty-animal sex does feel pretty nice too...

what to do, what to do

{[acceptance]}

things to work on accepting...

1) I was in love (maybe not head over heels, but definitely there)

2) I can't be in love anymore

things to work of letting go of...

1) anger

2) sadness

3) love

things I need out of life...

1) a date

2) a book

3) some artistic satisfaction

I think I can make these things happen... but it will suck.

PS: I'm gonna move this blog to wordpress soon. STAY TUNED!

{[resolved resolutions]}

2011 is (will be) about...

1) taking care of my body (I've barely exercised since the accident in August. This will change)

2) taking care of my health (this past year has been full of health issues. I will endeavor to keep these issues under control, and maintain a positive attitude and take whatever may come in stride)

3) taking care of my heart (the year began in heartache, but I will heal over the course of time, and I will try to stay open to whatever my come in whatever form it takes and accept it for what it is. This may mean new loves, or the rekindling of old flames. Only time can tell and I look forward to whatever that may bring)

4) taking care of my career (I am at my prime as far as being at a point where I can start to establish myself as a professional, working, serious artist. The procrastination needs to stop. The serious work needs to start)

5) taking care of my friends (this means reconnecting, staying connected, and being more open. It also means making new friends, and working to maintain those friendships, and not neglecting them as has often been my pattern)

6) taking care of traveling (this means making every effort to experience the world when the opportunity presents itself. I have procrastinated in this way too. I won't anymore)

7) taking care of my past so I can fulfill my future (this means a clean sweep. Being open. Being honest. Always being true)

I hope I can do all of these things. I'll live each day one at a time.

...{[]}...

I was mislead.

I think I very nearly loved him.

I'm alternately okay, angry, and sad.

I'll be fine for a while and then all of a sudden it feels like all the air has been let out of my heart.

With S. it was all about fucking. None of my emotional attachment was (or ever felt like) it was reciprocated, so despite how much it sucked when he decided to have nothing more to do with me, I could let it go more easily because I knew that I could never get anything like love back from him.

J. and L. came in between. I was the monster. I was numb.

Then this beautiful boy came into my life and made me feel like I could love someone. Someone on the same page as me. Someone that could give me as much as I gave.

I was fucking wrong.

What a difference 9 days (and 9 love ridden postcards) make.

as one of my best friends said:

"Someone please punch me in my teeth, just fucking punch me. I feel like a piece of meat"

I think I'll go to sleep crying and wake up shaking (then repeat this pattern over and over) like last night.

Once my support group is back, I think I'll be okay. I need a way to get this love (or whatever it is) out of my system before it turns to venom.

...positives from negatives...

tonight I found some old film from earlier this year which I haven't yet scanned.

the pictures are (so far) from that epic party/fundraiser that we had at my old house in Kirkwood.

they don't really hold any sort of nostalgic sentiment for me. but they are making me a little sad. the photos aren't themselves the sad thing, its just realizing that so much has happened in the space of time between when these photos were taken and now.

photography is about capturing time. the light of the moment leaves its record on the emulsion and those moments are saved. ghosts caught in the gelatin and silver.

but then I forget about the film. put it aside and live for a while.

I have loved my friends, I have loved my lovers, I grew closer with some, and others went away. I changed my style and changed my hair as things fell apart and then came back together.

In the space between these pictures and me, I have lived.

my stomach is throbbing like a heart

...hotminute...

NEW VIDEO!!!

making out is great

('ey baybay)

...victorian luxury...

I skipped school and took a hike.

It was just about the nicest way to spend zero dollars.

(I took the bus to stone mountain)

I'll share some photos sometime...